his week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):
We moved a few months ago and love the neighborhood, but keep getting the sense that our neighbors two doors over just don’t like us. We always try to say hi when they’re outside and chat and get to know them, but they’re always quite short with us.
It’s odd because we’ve heard they’re nice, nosy even, but they’ve never shown any interest in us. We did do a tiny bit of interior construction before we moved in but they should not have been able to hear that.
I don’t think I can muster up, “Why don’t you like us?” What should I do?
Beatrice Forman, Food & Dining Reporter
I understand the inclination for your neighbors to like you, especially in a place like Philly, but the introvert in me is like, “Why do you want to be on the radar of a couple of nosy people?”
Zoe Greenberg, Life & Culture Reporter
I see a few possible paths. One of which is to adopt the introverted personality of Beatrice and a Zen attitude and simply let it go. Not everyone has to be friends.
Although, Beatrice, I don’t think of you as an introvert, but that’s for another conversation.
Beatrice Forman
I live a double life, Zoe.
This made me think of when my friend and I lived in a Point Breeze rowhouse and one of our neighbors really didn’t take a liking to us because we couldn’t make it to a block party. No matter how sweet we were after — looking out for their packages, offering to shovel their steps in the winter — we couldn’t change their mind. And in hindsight, instead of trying to win them over, we probably should’ve worked harder on building deeper connections with the neighbors who were warm to us.
Zoe Greenberg
It’s tricky because sometimes we come up with all kinds of stories about why someone might not like us and the truth ends up being entirely different, like they’re preoccupied with their kid’s math homework. I was thinking of a second path for this eager neighbor, which is ... to heavily apologize for the wrong you THINK you committed, in the hopes that your neighbor will clarify.
Beatrice Forman
I actually don’t think it’s worth apologizing unless you think your neighbor won’t do neighborly things for you at all, like protecting your packages from porch pirates or loaning you a shovel to dig out your car.
Zoe Greenberg
If they remain committed to wanting to be friends with these nosy neighbors, what about going on a full-on charm offensive?
I’m talking brownies.
Beatrice Forman
Do you remember the great chili-for-your-neighbors debate of 2022, Zoe? I’m inclined to think that if these people don’t already like our eager beaver, they’d be more likely to read the brownies as annoying and not charming.
Zoe Greenberg
Wow, I had no idea. I would love chili.
Beatrice Forman
I also would love chili! But, if a person I disliked — even for no reason — brought me chili just because, I would find it annoying because then I’d feel expected to reciprocate, and so on begins a cycle of bringing chili with no meaning behind it.
Zoe Greenberg
So it seems like your advice is no charm, no brownies, no apologies, just keep it moving.
Beatrice Forman
Yes, AND instead go above and beyond for the neighbors who seem to like you, and that you seem to like back.
Otherwise, just model what you believe neighborly behavior is for the nosy folks down the block. Hopefully that they should do the same.
